Beagle Barks I

Sam & Jackson Beagle here, yep we’re beagle dogs and proud of it. We are channeling our Alpha human because we have a couple of things to bark at you. It’s hard to even get this man’s attention since he is not the brightest bulb in the package, so we will try to be quick.

First, you humans are supposed to be (at least from what we hear you say in those whiney little voices all of you have) the all-wise rulers of this planet. Something like an Alpha race we guess. Humans; you are not taking care of the pack! You are doing things that no self-respecting dog would ever consider! Here are a few of the things Jackson and I are barking mad about (not barking mad like the son-of-a-bitch Chaney, but mad enough to bark).

Your nest:
You are fouling your nest. There is no nice way to say this but don’t crap where you eat! You don’t even eat your garbage!! You throw it along that thing you call a ‘road’ or you take it and make huge stinking mountains of garbage and then you sell these mountains of garbage to other humans as prime nesting places!! We’re sorry if this insults you, coming as it does from beagles that will eat poop if ‘Lardo’ doesn’t clean the yard, but at least we don’t trick you into living in it!!! And the things you do to our water! We all need that water for drinking! And the air, and the sweet loving earth that we all came from…well, as our rotund Alpha human is always saying ‘Sweet bleeding Hayzu!’. Clean your nest….please.

Your pack leaders:
Apparently you are lead by an Alpha pack that you chose and it has its nest in a place called Washington. From what we can make out, your Alpha pack makes most of the decisions for you. What really confuses us is the fact that your Alpha rulers are mostly ‘sons-of-bitches’! Once again, that term is what our human male uses when he talks (hahahahahaha, and he says we bark loud!) about them. Why do you let sons-of-bitches rule you? That is scary; we bite sons-of-bitches at our nest.

Letting the Alphas control all your valuables is okay when they are honorable, decent and are somewhat smarter than your average woodchuck. Unfortunately the ones you pick don’t seem to be anywhere near as smart as a woodchuck, in particular the son-of-a-bitch Bush, and we apologize for any ill feeling this may cause decent, honorable woodchucks everywhere. Think about this:
• They (you) allow members of your pack to go hungry.
• They (you) allow members of your pack to live in the wild without a nest.
• They (you) allow members of your pack to sicken and die without even a kind lick.
• They (you) allow members of your pack to kill without reason.

There are many other things, such as you also have rulers that are ‘sorry bastards’, like ‘That sorry bastard Greenspan’ who has apparently ‘sold-out’ to the ‘blood-sucking, trickle-down Republicans’. But that is for another time, Lardo is thinking of food and we cannot hold him when he gets this way!